He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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