the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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