and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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