my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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