i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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