remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.