On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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