Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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