The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
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I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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