3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
