So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
