apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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