somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
barbara walters just said penis...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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