it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
