I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
