Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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