why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
