Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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