my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
