Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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