She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
