Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
