The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
