Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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