Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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