I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
the liver wants what the liver wants
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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