I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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