OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
