there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
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That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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