im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
