i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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