I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
