I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
