You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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