We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
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If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
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If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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