I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
