Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
