...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
