Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
