You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize