someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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