I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
