if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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