hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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