the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
