Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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