I cannot find my penis.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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