the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
