You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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