Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
