What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
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the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
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I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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