We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
