if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
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Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Can't talk, ducks in the car
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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