Quick, to the slutcave!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
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If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
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I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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